Thursday, December 8, 2011

Fully Flared

I got in from work tonight at midnight on what should be an ordinary night.  However, living with a chronic disease means that there is no such thing as normal anymore.  What I wouldn't give to be able to wake up and jump out of bed attacking the morning any way I choose to or simply stand up and take off walking after sitting down for more than 15 minutes.  I would love to be able to play basketball again (we still have the goal up and two basketballs in the garage, when I do feel like shooting a few I usually don't feel like chasing the ball down), go for a run around the neighborhood or play golf again. 

Instead I sit here tonight with a full body flare up.  I really have no room to complain, it has been a while since I have experienced one.  I am used to living with the pain but I don't think I will ever adjust to dealing with the fatigue part.  Tonight at work as soon as a roll would splice off, it would take everything I had just to make myself stand up and start walking to the press.  My hips, knees, shoulders, hands and feet are all equally dividing up the abuse while my right ankle does not want to bend and my neck has been cracking and popping. I assume this is my RA multi-tasking.  

I think perhaps the hardest part of living with RA for me has been the fact that I have shut down my emotions in order to survive.  I just bought a new motorcycle 3 weeks ago and I've just not been that excited about it.  For that, I truly hate you RA.

Spring will soon be here bringing warm weather, longer days and some good rides.  I am ready for spring but for now I will just live out my winter hibernation ritual ... work, sleep, work, sleep.


Anonymous said...

Oh how I feel your pain. I'm in the process of what I'm sure will be a med change today. My appt with rheumy this morning and sometimes I want to walk in and say, "you know, your pumping this sh*t into me and it's just simply not helping. does it actually help anyone out there?" but I know better. I know it helps because when you have to start all over on a new drug you feel all the side effects to the extreme from the disease. I've been in a non stop flare/mini flares for over 4 months and i'm 1/2 plum duck crazy at this point trying to relearn my body and it's quirks.

I too hibernate in the winter. I take it as a higher power telling me to take it easy and I will see better days in the warmer weather. That's what I tell myself. It doesn't mean that's what I get for behaving all winter. I wish it did mean something more than a pep talk to myself to get through yet another day.

You hang in there. The bike will be there when your fanny is ready to ride.
Tammy aka Coopy

abcsofra said...

I am so sorry to read about your flare. All I can hope is that you and your doc can make this one a short lived one. I am fortunate in that I live in NC/lower part where there is little if ever snow and the temps tend to stay above 30 degrees and closer to 50-60 in the winter. I hate how ra steals the things that mean so much to us. Sending a letter to Santa to drop off a flare free holiday season.

tharr said...

Coopy, it certainly isn't enjoyable living with what we have but we learn to adjust and do the best that we can. Somedays are better than others. I have really been pretty good after using Humira for a while now. I have had a couple of big flares this year, I don't even pay attention to the small ones anymore. Take care of yourself through the winter. I try to avoid anyplace that is not work or home ... too much sickness that I don't want to pick up from someone else out there.

Thanks for the letter Deb!! We normally have nice weather here in December, mid 50's with overnight lows in the 30's. But this year has been anything but normal so I guess December wanted in on as well. Our annual snow fall is 5.1 inches, last winter we had 28!

Lana said...

I am sorry that you are fully flared but if it helps, you are not alone. We got our first snow fall last year and the cold has been doing a number on my joints for a couple weeks now. You know when people say, they can feel the cold in their bones? I can feel it deep down in my joints and it is not pleasant. I am going to sleep the weekend away. Feel better soon. I truly hate RA too – for you, for me, and for everyone else. :-)

tharr said...

Lana, sorry it has you in it's grasp as well. I know exactly what you mean about feeling the cold down in your joints! What is hard to understand is how we can feel it as much as 6-10 hours ahead of when a cold front moves in. Three weeks ago I began hurting right after our shift started at 3pm. It took a little while for it to dawn on me that a cold front was coming in later. It was 78 degrees outside and the icy cold winds did not arrive til 7pm. By the time our shift was through, it was in the mid 39's with 20 mph north winds. I am working extra Saturday night from 7pm to 7 am Sunday morning. Staying in bed and sleeping sounds like a great idea!!

Cathy said...

Sometimes hibernation isn't that bad. I'm actually looking forward to it.

I hope by the time I have commented that you are feeling some relief from this flare and you can enjoy the holidays.

tharr said...

I know what you mean Cathy, I actually sort of look forward to it also. I just hate all of the aches and pains that come along with winter. Thanks, I do feel much ... ah ... some better now. I actually got out and worked on my new bike for a little while yesterday.