Monday, August 9, 2010

Just Plain Numb

There comes a time where life quits giving and starts taking from you. I sometimes feel that I am reaching that point. Perhaps it is not so much life, as it is the RA, but I have been so fatigued and numb this year, I simply do not feel like doing anything. I have to literally fight to put one foot in front of the other, I don't feel like going to work, mowing or cleaning the house. I didn't even ride my bike last week and just barely have been on the computer.

I keep making excuses for myself, saying that I will feel better in another week or two. But it doesn't seem to ever get here.

I have a ride planned for in the morning. I pushed myself to prep my bike this morning, got some fresh fuel, I have my back pack and gear bag ready. Normally, I would be chomping at the bit to get up in the morning and hit the woods. I sit here ready to go because I love riding, love my KTM and I know I will have a good time, but I'm just not excited like I should be.

My life with RA and Humira seems to be up and down. On most of my days off, with the exception of the fatigue, I feel ok. I think that most of you with RA know "ok", you don't feel like you want to, especially not like healthy people do, but you have felt worse so you're not complaining. I have no doubt that if I didn't work, I would feel much better. But, I love my family, my house and my toys. I'm not ready to quit my job and live under an overpass just yet. But I do know where a nice one is that is not occupied.


Andrew said...

Terry, keep pushing and don't let RA win! I'm praying that you get to feeling more "normal" real soon...I want to hear about some butt kicking ride you did!

tharr said...

Thanks for the encouragement and prayers Andrew. I'm not giving up, even if I don't ever get any better! We've got some killer rides planned for this fall, I'll post my ride updates and any photos worth posting.

mallen said...

ya. I'm hearing you. I am feeling pretty blah right now too. I wish I could remember what "normal" feels like.

mary said...

Hang in there Tharr. Those glorious fall rides are coming and I hope they are great!
Funny you mention work. My alarm went off this am and I started thinking how nice it would be to retire now….not 15 years from now. I always feel better on the days I have off. I don’t dislike my job but after I have a few days off and am rested I just feel much better. My RA doesn’t disappear but it settles down a bit.

tharr said...

Hey Mallen, glad you stopped by, sorry you're feeling numb too. It starts wearing on you mentally after awhile doesn't it.

Wren said...

Is that underpass air conditioned and does it have a bathtub? If so, sign me up ... ;o)

Terry, I know exactly of which you write. Been there (AM there, with the exception of gainful employment)and also don't like to complain when I know rheuma can be so much worse than what I'm experiencing right now. Sigh.

But I also know that this benumbed state won't last forever (it never has, yet). The weather will cool down, finally, with the turn of the earth. The rheuma will get better, or worse without much more (or less) effort on my part. And life will look a little less glum. You're doing just the right thing, planning, preparing, and going on that ride even though you can't get too excited about it. I hope you did go, and that you enjoyed it more than you thought you would.

Sending courage and patience your way, m'friend.

tharr said...

Mary, I'm ready and hope that I will fell better as the weather cools down. I am 15 years away from retirement as well, and I love my job, just not the place that I work for. They are constantly changing our job and adding more for us to do. To start with, I work 12 hour shifts ... just staying there 12 hours a day is work overload.
Hang in there and get your Cannondale ready for those great fall rides coming up!

tharr said...

Wren, no a/c and no bathtub, but it does have a drain so when it rains I would have a shower. You're right (I hope) that when it cools down this fall, we will all get to feeling better. It is so hot now, we are heading out before dawn and riding about 50 miles south to eat breakfast, then ride back a different way. We should be back by 10:30 in the morning. By that time, over the last 3 weeks, it is already between 95 and 100.
Thanks Wren. Hope you get to feeling better also.

Cathy said...

I wish your body was loving Humira a bit better and the "okay" could move into "good" for a while.

I am very fortunate being a teacher because I have lots of breaks from work. I am finishing almost two months off work (no pay unfortunately) but it does do the body wonders. Too bad more down time can't be included in the day for all of us. I know my husband would benefit a lot from a little nap during the day.

Hang in there, enjoy your ride and know that healing thoughts are always coming your way.

Living It, Loving It said...

Terry – I know exactly where you are coming from. I feel like that sometimes. Except, I want to get stranded on a deserted island with my kids and far away from civilian so I do not have to deal with the rest of the world and my RA.

RA will rob us if we let it. Just like the next person, I have to remind myself especially when I feel like I don’t want to put up with a life with RA. It is okay to feel sorry for ourselves so long as we do not let it consume us. When it comes to RA, we cannot excuses to do things WHEN we feel better because that will never happen. We just have to keep plowing, I suppose.

Humira has been a godsend compared to how I was feeling before but RA always wins. Lately, it is my skin and eyes that are attacking me and no amount of water, moisturizers, or eye drops will help.

We are not like healthy people – we have to work harder just to get out of bed everyday and often times, we feel lonely in our own bodies. That is part of living with any chronic illness as is finding a reason to get up everyday. I have learned that if I remind reminding myself that I have a reason to get up everyday, I do.

And of course, there will always be days where I will need you to save room under that overpass and I will be happy to save a place for you on that deserted island. :) Hope you are in better spirits soon, my friend. Take care.

tharr said...

Cathy, I think that I will be better once the heat breaks and it cools down some. I would love to have your schedule. My work schedule is a bit off from normal people. I work 12 hour shifts, 3 days one week and 4 days the next week, then back to 3.
Thanks so much for the encouragement.

tharr said...

Hey Lana, your deserted island sounds better than my overpass. You're so right, we have to keep pushing ourselves, we will never feel normal again.
I am using the first 4 years of Enbrel treatments as my baseline for RA. I feel that I was doing better then than I am now. I am feeling better on Humira than on Orencia though. Strange you mention this, my eyes are dry and itching all of the time.

We do have to work harder than healthy people at accomplishing simple everyday tasks. I know what you mean about feeling lonely in our own bodies.

I'll keep a room open for you at the overpass. Thanks.